A Conversation With Children Of Divorce

A Conversation With Children Of Divorce

We spoke to children of divorce to understand how events played out from their perspective and how it has affected them after.

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  1. I never thought I’d come back to watching these sort of videos for comfort and relatablilty again, it hurts that I had to. It’s not fair

  2. I understand that this video is about children of divorces, but I resonated with the impact of toxic/abusive marriages on these young souls.

    My parents are still married for 28 years, but there were many times when I was younger I made remarks and jokes of how my parents should actually be divorced because of how toxic their relationship is – unsupportive, one-sided, full of secrets, a lot of stonewalling, blaming, shaming, emotional flare ups, passive aggression, disrespect, unwillingness to communicate healthily. A lot of emotional and verbal abuse when I was a child up to my adolescent years. They are still together because one depends on the other for living space and "a sense of stability" and the other had trauma from a previous divorce and heavy family issues.

    Even though the abuse has been reduced significantly in recent times, but the one thing a couple should never do is to be married because of external pressure and have children when one other spouse or both aren’t emotionally and mentally ready for the commitment. This explains how my mother was having postpartum depression and anxiety and my father became verbally abusive since he didn’t wanna be married after his first divorce and his business almost collapsed. I didn’t get the leading example of a healthy relationship and also they weren’t emotionally available for me when I needed them, heck, they even projected their family issues, marriage issues and financial troubles onto me and my sister.

    I absorbed all of those shit and in return I suffered unnecessarily in other relationships, especially relationships with the opposite sex (I’m a woman). I developed fears of abandonment and intimacy. I struggled with resolving and handling conflicts on my own. I don’t know how to truly ask others for support. I don’t know how to be truly emotionally vulnerable. I don’t know how to speak up for myself. I don’t know how to be confident in myself. I don’t know how to fully take charge of my life like an adult would at my age.

    Their marriage has affected me in so many ways I have only just realised to the point I ugly cried after watching this video. I’m on the journey of doing my own inner healing work too and I think that ugly cry was another awakening to why I feel immature, low key reckless, closed off and afraid at 27. Thank you for making this video, to help me understand that I’m not the projections of my parents’ toxic relationship and I’m more than the pains they couldn’t resolve as adults as partners.

  3. My parents were separated when I was 4, and divorced when I was 6. my mother wanted to commit suicide one day when we were very young. But lucky did not succeeded.
    When I was young, I always see my siblings getting caned by my dad, when they did nothing wrong. I get fearful from being a young child to witnessed all this. It was an unhappy childhood.

  4. I just went through my childhood photos and I keep crying seeing the girl I used to be in the picture. I couldn’t save her. My brother handled it well but it never did get better for me. I keep mourning what our family could’ve been and it hurts all the time that I wasn’t enough to stop them from leaving

  5. I believe it is critical for parents to talk it out somewhere far away from their children, whether they shout or discuss it. Regardless of their age. Make sure they don’t hear anything. Only tell them when the timing is appropriate. Sit them down and have a conversation with them. Leaving them in the dark will only make them fearful of the upcoming changes. They live their lives in a traumatized state, constantly doubting.  DO NOT let it be. It really affects them as they grow up.

  6. Youth of today, think properly before you get intimate with someone of the opposite sex. It might just lead to unhappy marriages and broken families.

  7. I’m really saddened to see this as a divorced father of 2 children.. they were 5 and 3 years old when it happened.. I always tried to be there for them and tried my best to make sure they didn’t get too affected by it but I know there are definitely some consequences of it… my heart goes to all divorced children… stay strong and know that you will come out of this stronger as a person and become great parents yourselves cos u went through this painful time so I’m sure you will do your outmost best to make sure your children have a good, stable relationship with you no matter what happens.. ❤️

  8. Thank you for sharing this video! Trying to find solace through people who share similar experience but really everyone’s experience of their parents divorce is so different and affects us so differently.

    I’m going through similar stuffs now and my parents are in the midst of divorce but it’s not looking good due to the different terms of divorce. Home has such a negative feeling and the sadness doesn’t stem from them separating but from this whole long torturing process… the video was right I wish they did it the first time when I was in primary school..

  9. My parents separated when i was 19. My siblings and I lived with my mum from then on, eventually the co parenting felt very normal but because im closer to my dad, my mum sometimes felt like I was betraying her when my dad was the one at fault in the marriage. But I felt like yes he was a bad husband but he was a great father to me. I was always kind of stuck in between always, she may unintentionally make my life harder because she knows my dad loves me alot and will be hurt by that.
    I actually had to pause the video a few times cos I was tearing up due to how relatable & real this is. I never bring my problems anywhere outside of my home when it came to the divorce. As a result I think i was very insecure and have had abandonment issues for a long time without ever realizing it.

  10. I’m suffocating. Relate to me in every aspect. My parents doesn’t divorced but it hurts me so much growing up

  11. That’s a lot of strength to share such intimate feelings… but it’s also the first step to heal *hugs

  12. My parents fight a lot too. For 25 years, they never stop fighting. And it getting worse recently. They fight on everything, even the smallest thing like how to cook this or that. My mom has high temper and loud voice, my dad is stubborn, who always want things work the way he want. I want to move out but my dad sick, he had brain surgery before, he can’t walk properly. If I leave, I afraid they might kill each other, literally. And my brother, he is 18 now but he doesn’t seem to aware or know how to deal with mom and dad fight. My life until now is just full of unhappy memories of my family. Everyday when I come home from work, I hate it, I always have thought in my head with question "Are they fighting today?" Sometimes, I had terribly thought wanting my dad pass away so the house can be peaceful, and my mom can be free from hard time. Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear, to new world, new life… I hate my dad so much, so many things happen and we, me and my mom, my brother had to step back in argument with him. Please, can everything over, I just don’t want to live like this anymore…

  13. my parents are not divorced but they dont talk to each other they dont acknowledge each other and my father is an absent father

    sometimes when people ask questions about my father i will feel so lost and unsure because im not sure if i know my father if i know this stranger that is connected to me by blood

  14. i agree with the part where one of them mentioned dont stay together for the kid because the kid will just end up suffering more….

  15. My parents divorced when i was 12 and at that same time i started middle school and got bullied throughout it and as u can know that didnt help my depression i wanted to end it all at 13 years old i hate both of my parents now and its all because of my shity mother who cheated and made me have no childhood it feels so lonely and sad

  16. Ive got a sister who is a single mom for 7 years. Separated since her pregnancy due to domestic v. Divorced then. Still single now but seeing some1 better at d mo. Her is d 1st divorce in our family. A new concept in my family. Yet, since then we have been v v much involved in d child’s life. So far d girl is doing good. Once a while she does ask abt her daddy whom she never sees. We adults be extra careful in handling this. I shud say it is d way d adults handle separation n divorce really matters to d involved kids.

  17. Hey youth, all…when your parents fought/divorced, its all about them – their conflicts, disagreement, lost of trust/love and many other reasons. It’s not about you, it’s not your fault, not that you were never good enough…Be kind to yourself, try to understand and even if you can’t, try not to let it destroy you or undermine your confidence in life. Be strong, seek help, bury the pain, let the burden go and move on. You can do it! 💪🙏

  18. i am an only son and my parents divorced when i was 4, before that they Always fight abusively that i have to witness, after the divorce i lived wt my dad, my dad is an alcoholic and have financial problems, he used to either bring me to illegal drinking place or leave me alone at home.. it effected my studies until my mom needed to take me under her custody, my mom met a lot of guys and "girls" that i havd to go through with, she sometimes bring guys home or to the hotel and they will have intimate things while i was on the same bed crying facing the wall, years pass by, i still don’t have a good relationship with both of my parents, and i live wt my grandparents, mom just left me few months ago, im 21 now

  19. My parents never divorced even until this day. The reason used to be “staying for the kids” but now my dad does not agree to the divorce as he does not want to pay alimony. It actually us the children so badly… much more worse than if they were to divorce and cut things up straight. Never have a proper family, home, house and lifestyle. Verbal and physical fights are so common, home is a really depressing to be locked in especially with covid lockdown and all :”(

  20. When your home is a constant world war 3, when your dad is a degenerate gambler and never knowing when loansharks might come knocking, a straight-up divorce would have been much better. I hated people saying they are staying for the kids, because it did more harm than good.

  21. Every divorce utimately root cause always be money, more or less. All couple always fight over money.. resulted unhappiness, discord and fear in children… My wisdom is discuss money first before baby and children. If no money, don’t even think of baby.. Money is the root of all evil with either lazy husband or lazy wife.. Unless both have early agreement and intention to share burden financially, utimately no point get married and have children to blame you..

  22. I could feel the stress and sorrow of all these children. I feel so sad for them. I hope they don’t let their parent’s mistakes continue to destroy their life.

    Sincerely hope they can walk out of their past and live a happy life. They deserve to be love.

  23. Those stories are heartbreaking 💔, so sorry that you guys went through hardship moments, those action what your parents decide is not your fault 😢. You guys doing great to survive on that painfully moments. Our prayers for you that God can heal your wounds.

  24. Just remember, a skilled sailor never comes from travelling a smooth sea.

    You may be stronger than you ever known

  25. My parents are not divorced but they don’t get along at all and it’s just daily arguments and fights where both of them just don’t want to understand each other’s perspectives. I never really liked going home but I’m stuck at home now due to the pandemic. I’m in a happy relationship though and we talk about our conflicts calmly. I learned a lot from my friends as well on how to resolve issues and swallow my ego because I’m determined to have a different relationship from my parents.

  26. About a min in n I started crying cos I could really relate especially the boi with the pearl necklace both my parents divorced and they was NVR in a happy relationship

  27. As a child of divorce, I really want to give all those kids a tight hug, especially the green-haired girl and the sisters who believed it was their fault for not trying hard enough to keep their parents together. Parents should really take care not to hurt the kids in any way if they’re going to divorce, because any little thing they say or do can massively impact and traumatise the children. These kids then enter adulthood with unnecessary baggage and burden. If you’re going to have children, at the very least don’t damage them, even if you fail to save your marriage. I grew up with my dad and grandparents, and they gave me all the love and support I ever needed, so I don’t feel like I lacked anything growing up, but I do agree with the green-haired girl – because I never grew up seeing my parents as role models of a loving couple, I don’t know how to be in a relationship now, and I’m terrible at approaching and resolving conflict.

  28. 8:59 wow she feel that divorce sooner is better. yes indeed parents shouldn’t use kids as the reason to stay together

  29. I was the totally opposite. Since I was a child I would always pray every day that my parents WOULD DIVORCED. My dad was a monster to say the least. He made my mom and us kids work in the field while he takes all the money and left us with nothing to eat. He used all the money on his women and other things. He was abusive and controlling and took out his anger on us. He literally have a wooden gate built around our front door and locked it with key and chain when he was not there. He hated my mom and he hated us kids but he would never leave us. Why? Because he told people we were nothing but money bank for him so as much as he hated us, he needed us. Why would you leave a bank that keeps on giving you free money every time you demanded it? And my mom couldn’t leave him. Why? Because to her, the shame of being a divorced woman was far worst in her mind. Far worst than the abused and life she and her kids were living in. Even when grandma was dying in the hospital, he wouldn’t let her go see her own mom. As a kid, every time I tried to run away, my mom would cry and quilt trip me into staying. Saying she’s staying with my dad for us kids but us kids want to leave her. So we all stayed and got abused into our adulthood and worked for that man we called father. Finally now my mom is divorced from him and we are free. The long awaited divorced all of us kids had always prayed for. Nope, I’m not marrying any man and being in his control. So long 💕. You are not worth it. I like being free.

  30. Also from a divorced fam since i was 5y/o. Never affected by it, but I do see the consequences now with my partner. Thankfully my partner is caring and patient, guiding me.

  31. I know 2 kinds of adults that came from broken homes …. One that will also eventually have a broken home themselves

    And the other will become a very devoted family person

  32. I feel that there must be more education to parents in Singapore on how to help kids get through divorces. The thing is that in Asian societies divorce happens when the marriage has deteriorated to really bad levels and most of the time it gets really ugly. Parents don’t have the knowledge that it is very harmful for a child mentally to hear something negative about their other parent or they are put in a position where they have to choose/side with one parent. And it really affects the child’s future relationships with other people when they grow up. I hope that there can be more education in the future on how to handle divorces more amicably so children would not be affected

  33. Didnt have many friends in school due to my character and attitude. Thought I was fine since I have family to go back to. But when I heard the news that they were going to divorce. I was so heartbroken, scared and lonely as I have no one to share my worries to. Its been 10 years now. Im still struggling to make friends and fill this hole in my heart. Longing for love, care and support.

    Waiting for the day that I won’t be afraid to cry in front of that one true friend when I mention my life story.

  34. the issue with asian parents they always think children are too young or they didn’t have to know adult things. it is ok to divorce if the marriage didn’t work, parents have to talk to children about their decision and also the plan for the children and listen to children what they think and feel and work together,

  35. My parents didn’t file divorced but I think that was their first mistake and true to them, "staying for the kids" made everything worst. For a long time, my mom was the sole provider of the family, my dad just help her with his business. Then after that, our family was chased out from our own house by her sinister sister-in-law (at that time, we lived in my grandma’s house, as a traditional big fam) and we have to go to a new city, without much money or any support. Then slowly, my dad becomes more violent, towards my mom. I heard once my dad said to my mum "I thought your father was a wealthy family" and my mum just can’t believe that my dad married her just to find the comfort of living a good life. He almost hit my mom several time, and because it happened in front of me, I shouted at him to stop. He is still not working (thankfully I and my 2 sisters now have a job and are able to provide for the fam), but the mental and verbal abuse didn’t stop.

    He never calls my mom (even once) by her name, just "Hey.." "Oy..!". He is violent (verbally) to my sisters and my mom (not me bec I will just shout at him to shut up!). But he portrayed himself as a great husband and father in front of others. When my mom try to discuss something about the kids, he said "thats your job, not mine". For a very long time, I questioned my mom, why didn’t you file a divorce? She said he was thinking about it but never did it bec of the kids.

    Until now, I am still trying to be open with relationships. It is still hard for me to believe that I can have a loving and tolerant relationship, and to believe not every man is the same just like my father. All the relationship I had failed because I recognize one or two my father’s trait on them. Even the simplest thing that remind me of my father irritated me. But it was hard. On the positive side though, I and my sisters become very independent. But deep down, we still feel envy for our friends that have a great realtionship. Really, I think if you know the relationship isnt gonna work and worth, just don’t deal with it for too long.

    Now they both growing old, rarely talk, but the tension is decrease. I plan to buy a house soon, so I can put my mom there, and my dad can just leave in the old house. Now I feel that it’s my part to take care of her. Sometimes when she cried bec of the argument with my father or my sis (well, we have our father’s blood so its unavoidable if we still have some trait of our father), just like this morning,I just came to her room and hug her. I always said to her "Just be happy, do what you want. I dont need your care anymore, now I want to take care of you instead" and she just fall asleep while I hug her and slowly rub her back.

  36. You should do one video on children of mistresses too where the man was a pauper and the woman was itchified! Not the rich or wealthy ones ya cos they could well afford to have as many mistresses as they want!

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