Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman
Here’s the science behind happy relationships! Dr. Gottman outlines the findings, tools and techniques that have helped thousands of couples from around the world build a “Sound Relationship House.”
Visit www.gottman.com for more information.
This changed a lot in me, but also it made a lot of sense to m failures. Wow. Thanks. This was the best guide ever. I needed this.
Is’nt that an artificial way of studying behavioural science out of their comfort(non) places ?
Been married for 9yrs and together for 11yrs and we are far from being masters
how do you feel about piece work? what happened to the Endicott Johnson shoe factory? I was working there on third shift
Note to self: 32:15 is key
here’s several things for making improvements in your partnership
Try to discuss more
Help each other out more
Try to give and take more
(I read these and the reasons they work on Mirykal marriage plan website )
THIS IS AWESOME… this makes me dare to get married one day. 🙂
HELP: My Ego is not allowing me to create a "Mind Map" for my wife. Let me know.
Why? Lol Why can’t you live alone and have a great life?
The problem about the that don’t work a marriage it’s the culture, religion, tradition, the parent rise children like this, when grow the children are confuse about the partership and the man all time is right and the woman don’t care is just a object in the world.
Just wonderful, been searching for "psychologist marriage counselor" for a while now, and I think this has helped. Have you ever come across – Siyadelyn Unthinkable Smasher – (should be on google have a look )?
It is a good one of a kind product for discovering how to mend your marriage without the normal expense. Ive heard some great things about it and my colleague got great results with it.
I have 2 beautiful kids and I’ve been married to a man whose cheated on me for almost 8 years with a homosexual, so I confirmed my suspicions by contacting a hacker to hack into his phone and provide me with all the necessary and completely overwhelming evidence to confront him. If you need help from this hacker then his email is [Jamiehacking99 @ Gmail . Com]. He can hack
into almost anything.
25:30 LOL he’s an incredible actor
Word-salade! (bs from a narcissist projecting his own life/ marriage failures)
ohhhh he’s good!
Marriage is trying to kick goals when the goal posts not only constantly move, but change form as well.
Make your spouse your friend https://youtu.be/zqphvY89Hq8
well, you got me. if one is married to a dark triad there is no chance you ar the marriage can survive. Anti social personality and narcissism should be taught in high school.
I first came to know about john gottman through "the armchair expert " within 2 min of hearing him speak i was in!! I searched for a while for more ways to hear him and was unsuccessful until today. So happy. I have begged my husband to listen to the episode on armchair to no avail. I love my husband of 18 years . I love him so much but he is distant emotionally checked out yet I know he isn’t going anywhere and loves me as well . I think he is just an emotional cripple. He sincerely doesn’t realize there is another way to be. How do you enlighten someone who has no clue there is anything wrong?
After half a century and a marriage of 25 years my experience teaches me that no woman is really ‘the one’ (in the sense that most men envisage ‘the one’). We (Western men) are just wrongly taught and brought up in that respect.
Thinking back, I can say that I’ve never in my life met a woman who could love as deeply, sacrificially, fully, and as steadily as a man can,…nor a woman who really knows how to respect a man (ie. they don’t even know the ‘language of respect’, since they never seen it, …because their mothers didn’t respect their fathers either). It’s just that they tolerate men, since men are (more or less) useful to women in achieving their goals (those related to short-term enjoyment, security, academic advancement, offspring protection, material status, expulsion of childhood demons, auto-realization or retirement insurance). In addition, they figured out that their long-term goals can be better met if the guy they live with could be sufficiently tamed, reprogramed and remodeled (even domesticated).
When you completely strip the whole thing down, you slowly realize that it’s nothing but a heavily overpriced and cleverly used transactional sex.
I’m not saying this to denigrate, belittle or insult (western) women, their psyche and behavior. It’s just that I finally accepted myself, people around me (men and women) and the whole world as it is; ie. I accepted what is without any judgment. It just happened that no one taught me about it when I was a boy or young man, and that’s why my expectations regarding women were completely at fault, which is why I, through out my life, often entered different versions of the same conflict with my girlfriends and with my wife,…which often made me angry, sad, or feeling disrespected and not validated; ie. generally not enough.
Whatever I did, despite all my hard work, time I invested and the effort I put,…and as much as I tried to logically explain certain things, the women in my life basically never really questioned their (irrational) beliefs and never changed their original views. They very rarely assumed any responsibility for the things they did (…if ever), their apologies (that also came very, very raraly) were always conditional on something related to what I did ‘wrong’, and at the end of each story they would portray themselves as real victims, to whom I never really acknowledged their significance, and would portray me as the dominant villain (though control of all the essential things and life’s decisions were always with them).
And even (me) being rational and eloquent most of the time, or not being afraid to show emotions, or being pretty damn competent, capable, smart, strong and self-confident man didn’t help anything. Inherent manipulation, belief in their own (subjective) impression of reality (regardless of the facts) and passive-aggressive stubbornness always outmatched all the data, logic and the effort I put in. Finally, I realized; it’s about me, my non-acceptance (and disrespect) of myself, and about my completely wrong expectations of women.
After much reading, thinking, meditating and returning to exercise and physical activity, I finally started identifying and casting out my own demons, and consequently accepting and respecting myself. It was easier then to understand and accept the fundamental differences between the male and female psyche and biological (and social) imperatives.
Now I’m probably on the verge of a divorce (because nothing really changed, nor anything could change for that matter regarding the level and distribution of respect, need, thrill, afection, control and sex,…and current levels are simply not enough in my book), but nowadays I don’t see it as much of a problem (or a loss) as I did just a year and a half ago. I played the role I thought I was supposed to play, learned a lot about emotions, psychology and life in general,…And now it’s probably the time for the next phase, next ‘show’ in my life. (…another lesson probably)
This is an outstanding session with practical suggestions I can consider and act on today.
It’s really not so complicated, people. Honor and respect your partner. Help them to work toward their dreams and goals. Your job is to know, accept, and cherish them. Earn their trust, every day.
If you can’t do these things, have the kindness and good sense to get out of their way.
In addition to Gottman’s books, I recommend Five Languages of Love (Gary Chapman) and Hold Me Tight (Sue Johnson).
Good watch. 15 years married, been together for nearly 30. Standing at a point that i dont know what the final outcome will be. This video has given me tools and hope.
I’m just here trying to learn to be a better husband.
My marriage is overall great. We have our problems like everyone. Finances Is usually a big one. But we work through it as a team on everything.
I’ve only been with my wife for 6 years, but if there is any advice i can give to someone, or a couple, who is having trouble in the marriage, is make sure your spouse is your best friend.. have fun with them. And above all else, tell the truth.
Is it just me or does Gottman look really creepy?
Wow, I wanted to watch so I could improve my marriage. It’s clear now that there’s not a lot left to try…
Thank you I will do
What happens when you just can’t even look at them because everything is gone but I can’t divorce him because I don’t want my kids to suffer my parents divorced and I remember that empty feeling and I’m not going to do that to them
22:10 Haha the smiles on those men’s faces after he said that
My initial response was an eye roll, but I must say he covered some very insightful practices. Just add prayer and it would be perfect afterall God is the author of marriage. Thanks for the upload.
You literally saved my marriage. Thanks
I could never dribble like that
Marriages in 2020 are comical. One minute women are posting #Bae #bestfriends4life #inlove, and the next minute they’re posting #single #allmenaredogs…Lol You Americans are selfish and 75% of marriages end in divorce.
Been married nearly 30 years now. Lots of ups and downs along the way. Still look to stay on till death do us part but you’ll can never be too sure. I don’t believe there’s a success formula for everyone because people and circumstances are different. But we all can appreciate some good thoughts and advices time to time.
The bids part…oh my gosh so true
Interesting presentation, but makes the subject much more complicated than it really is for men. I could write a book on the subject, but two excellent books have already been written. Both books should be mandatory reading for men. The first is "The Predatory Female" by Lawrence Shannon. The second is "The Manipulated Man" by Esther Vilar. Both available from online vendors in e reader, pdf, and paper versions. So, what’s the bottom line for men? Give up! Forget marriage! The modern woman is self-centered and psychotic, and there is nothing you can do to change that sad truth. You cannot make her happy except by castrating yourself and conforming to her delusional unrealistic idea of who you should be and what marriage should be. And she will spend her entire life trying to make you conform to that delusion or making your life miserable if you don’t. By the way, since Doctor Gottman is working on his third marriage after two previous divorces, you should question how much confidence you should have in his advice.
I wish every married person would listen to this.. Thank you.
Couple ‘Therapy sessions’ is money, time, and energy wasting. Bcs by listening this incredible teaching of this wise man … I clearity, wisely explained, free,mind, peace lerning, unforced, and enlighted discoveries to develop mankind. Yet we’re so wick and blinded by the system, society to not see our pontention.
Hello, my name is Sebastián, today I want to show a wonderful book to all the couples who would like to save their relationship, who want to fight so that their relationship is like in the beginning, very in love and happy, who could spend all the time in the world together and it seemed like 5 minutes.
In this book you will learn how to reestablish communication,
Stop the fire! How to end an escalation of aggressiveness,
What are the toxic behaviors and how to avoid them,
How to shield marriage and strengthen union,
Psychology to fall in love with again,
The art of problem solving,
Strategies for marital harmony,
How to rediscover intimacy with your partner and
How to save a marriage in crisis.
here is the link: https://go.hotmart.com/M25187940L
Pk is just a child . Everyone knows and studies show women initiate marriage, they initiate divorce. and they cheat in record numbers after they have successfully changed their alpha male that they was attracted to into beta male providers. The science is clear. Women don’t know what they want and when they get it they divorce it.
we are not beamed to earth, we have a history of specialisations and adaptations of 1 million years. so called modern society abandoned everything from its past. so we are all struggling now. solution: use reasoning, conscious and common sense, cooperate with others in all fields of life. Be sceptical to religions and pray creator to help us..All these formulas in video can not work because the majority of the society is mentally disoriented nowadays..
Summary of the talk
Masters vs Disasters in Relationships:
Principles … And learnings
1. Positive attitudes to negative attitudes ratio in conflicts is almost 5:1 in good relations.
2. Using hurt feelings and negativity wisely, rather than focusing on eliminating negativity alltogether.
Are all negative things are not equally corrosive. But ignoring them doesnt help renewing courtship. Some major ones are:
1. Critisism : suggesting that your partner is the problem, and a symptom of their defects. Instead it is suggested that you tell your partner what your need is and how to make you feel better.
2. Defensiveness: instead of whining and complaining. Accepting responsibility turns this into a positive encounter.
3. Disrespect and contempt: Feeling superior to your partner tidier, smarter and talking down to your partner. Instead of pointing out were they are failing, creating a culture of appreciation is what masters do differently. Building that needs a new habit of mind by scanning the environment for things to be grateful for
4. Stonewalling: Not active listening to your speaker, but rather waiting for them to finish to counter attack or staying passive.
Those four ingredients are the recipe for disaster.
Behaviors that can flip the coin:
1. Shaping and discovering the love maps and updating it
2. Culture of fondness, admiration and appreciation
3. Enthusiasm and bids for attention rather than face saving and lack of connection.
All three contribute to a positive sentiment override and invest in an emotional bank account.
Every body messes up, these things happen, yet
1. the ability to step back and apologize and have recovery conversations repairs.
2. Sense of humor change things positively.
3. Friendship is the basis for a good compassion romance and sex.
In most marriages 60%+ problems are not solvable, but there are techniques to work around them:
1. Move from gridlock to dialogue, understanding how to work around them.
2. Looking beneath the conflict topics, making the vulnerable needs safely exchanged and talked about. Most of the time, there are values that are dear to the life dream of the partner, find their dreams and their life story. Find ways to honor both stories.
3. Expressing needs with gentleness and softness.
4. Accepting influence from one another with a learning mindset, especially from male to female. Conveying thoughtfulness to the person with you, reconsidering thoughts, and curiosity towards their opinion.
5. Calming down is very important.
6. Shaping a shared meaning system, every relationship is an exercise of a cross cultural experiences of reshaping meaning and what matters to them.
I am 63 years old. My ex husband of 25 years and I divorced 15 years ago. Dr. Gottman would have predicted our divorce. Wo the examples spoke to me. The gift…how about being kind, and showing up.
I am in a mature relationship now, we have conflicts…but all the actions predicted for a master marriage we do..most of the time..hurrah..it makes sense..but we learn the hard way sometimes.and it takes practice.
My husband is a very caring guy. He takes care of household as much as I do. He believes in equality. He respects me and everyone related to me.
My in laws on the other hand are racistic, happily taking every chance to disgrace me. According to my MIL I married her son for money which has no logic as I am myself financially independent. Now I see my MIL poisoning my 4 year old daughter’s outlook about me with all sorts of nonsense like I am dirty because I am brown in colour, I am dirty because I dont follow their practice of washing my hair everyday, i do not love my daughter as much as she does and that I am stealing their son and grand daughter from them.
Having lost my father 10 years back and left with my stepmom who prefers stay away from me because she does not want to be blamed of anything relating to my life, I feel all alone. But being alone is better than being with people who make me feel lonely in their abusive words. I have called it out many times. So did my husband. It continues. My husband now wants me to adjust with them as they have grown old.
I wish to go away somewhere I wouldn’t meet them again. Thought of my daughter stops me. I dont spend enough time with her already due to my work.
And she has become comfortable with that too. I have lost the fight in me.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Book (PDF – Summary – Review – Online Reading – Download): https://www.toevolution.com/file/view/233702/the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work-book-pdf-summary-review-online-reading-download
This guy’s a genius. Nowadays, dating advice is all about being "confident" and "high value" and pulling away and not being too accomodating to avoid appearing "needy" and "desperate", and they’re all missing the whole point and picture of being in a relationship, which is what Dr. Gottman is doing a great job of explaining.