The Biology of Divorce Recovery for Men: Stop Feeling Like a Broken Man After Divorce

The Biology of Divorce Recovery for Men: Stop Feeling Like a Broken Man After Divorce

Divorce recovery for men is different than for women. If you feel like a broken man after divorce then you need to understand that there are distinct biological and societal factors that influence the way men experience divorce and the steps necessary for them to recover from it.

If you’re feeling like a broken man after divorce, and especially if therapy or coaching hasn’t helped you achieve the results you want, that’s likely the reason.

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I’m Rachael Sloan. I’m a divorce coach for men. I’m also a Master NLP Practitioner, a certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce, a unique approach to divorce recovery based specifically on the needs of men.

I help my clients move from the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and in the aftermath of divorce to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. In these videos, I intend to help you do the same.

DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.

We have this whole societal story about how men just jump from woman to woman without a care in the world, or that they only value the comfort and ease of having a wife who takes care of the home. There’s this myth out there that men aren’t as committed to their relationships or their children as women. Yet that’s not what I see every day in my divorce recovery for men coaching practice.

Instead I see men who are deeply attached to their families, and fiercely determined to give their children their best lives. They are often willing to sacrifice their own happiness and give up their own needs to do what they think is best for their kids, or to win back their wives. And many of them are feeling like a broken man after divorce because of it.

I have a theory about how biology and evolutionary history impact divorce recovery for men. From an evolutionary biology perspective, it would make sense that men form strong partner bonds with one woman, and are willing to fight to protect her and their offspring so those children survive to adulthood. Naturally if he loses that women (ie through divorce) he may very well end up feeling like a broken man.

Now, my biology theory would also suggest that men would have a drive to have sex with other women if the opportunity presented itself in relative safety. Evolutionary biology doesn’t have morals, it is about passing on genes. It may well have been a man’s best evolutionary bet to be strongly partnered to one woman to ensure the survival of her offspring, while having occasional flings on the side to maximize his genetic opportunity.

This has impacts for divorce recovery for men as well. A lot of men I speak to carry immense amounts of shame around their sexual drives. They think it means that they are not good husbands, not good fathers or in some way “less than” as human beings.

It’s my opinion that if we were willing to be honest about our own biology, and to talk candidly about the fears and desires that are rooted in our physiology and our evolutionary history, we’d be able to create a much more peaceful society with healthier relationships and far less crime or mental illness.

13 Comments

  1. I’ve been with two therapist and I just felt judged. I just can’t see how anyone can help me unless they’ve gone through something as hurtful as what I’ve been through. If I could have (find) casual sex I’d probably feel more hopeful and attractive. I know I sound like a little simp

  2. I’m going to feel like a million bucks after my divorce is final. After she did everything in her power to completely destroyed my life I cannot wait to start this new chapter of my life without her.

  3. One of the main keys that I have learned is (no matter what), make yourself continually do the right thing one second at the time one minute at the time when I were at the time and so on…. And doing the right thing will eventually pay off, you can’t go wrong going right and you can’t go right going wrong, GOD’S GRACE IS SUFFICIENT, (HOLD ON……)!

  4. It’s different for men is an understatement. The system is a hucksters paradise. So easy to dispose of a man in America. Suicide clinics in all court houses would be an enhancement. I have been nothing but a zombi since the government came to help. Lost my 3 girls, 2, dogs, home, career… and more. 20 year career as a teacher. Doesn’t mean shit. Loving and hard working… means nothing. It’s murder minus the killing. Those who control the narrative control the outcome. Biology means zilch. Those with the money win. The 9 most terrifying words in the English language have me now. America and marriage can go straight to hell. Parent alienation is as easy as the Silver Bullet Scheme. My story is a crime. Men are expendable.

  5. Attachment Theory In Practice – interesting product placement there. Good video. I was on my soapbox recently and said the quiet part out loud. It was a sad speech. But this video, for better or worse, confirms it was both true and sad. It went like this. "Young man, as you think about marriage do not even doubt you need a prenup to protect you. You are not signing a prenup with the twenty-something earnest girl who wants to marry and have kids and says she will love you forever and divorce is not an option. No brother, no, you are signing a prenup with the 53 year old perimenopausal harpy that popped out a couple kids, can no longer stand the sight of you dressed much less in the bedroom, and now wants half your life’s work to go find every thirtysomething with mommy issues to have a tryst with. That is who you are signing a prenup with, the woman she may become. She has no control over who she becomes, all you can do is protect yourself."

    Great chapter Rachael, lot to think about, a lot of truth.

  6. 33 years married (entire adult life). Was quite literally and near instantly replaced (as were our 3 grown children ie, our family). 3 and a half years since separation. 2 years since the divorce. Tried a counsellor, but talking about it didn’t resolve the hurt and feelings. If I give her more than a moments thought, I’m triggered, and ultimately start crying. Lost, broken and unable to restart my life at 59 years of age is the only way I can describe how I feel. Everything we built and gained together was cruelly taken from me by her choice not mine. got to take nothing but my clothes and a few tools when I left.
    I tried to protest what was happening in the courtroom, but the judge confirmed that this was her choice. I was faithful and loyal to her and our marriage. I went without things that other men obtained to make sure she was taken care of. In the end, her new man even got Christmas presents she had given to me.
    Now, I don’t have anything in my name. Not even my own place or a vehicle. There has been zero fairness in this entire situation and for the life of me, I cannot get my heart and mind to release this woman. Almost zero contact since it all began, and still she gets to move happily along in life, whilst I feel like hang in freakin perpetual limbo, unable to move forward. Paralyzed.

  7. In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth, sex outside of marriage is an absolute sin and is fatal for the soul, it must earnestly be repented of with godly sorrow to do it no more, I appreciate several things you have to say, but we must stay and confines to the holy word of JESUS CHRIST, my wife has been gone for a year and a half after a 30-year marriage ,but I have kept myself pure and I am holding on to God and he will direct my path thank you for your concern for men.

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