The Science of Love | John Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach
World-renowned relationship expert John Gottman set forth to understand why relationships don’t work, but for that he needed to first understand relationships scientifically. Gottman then measured the behavior, perception and physiology of couples over time to understand how love works. With that he was able to create equations for love and discern the mathematical dynamics of love. His science was able to predict with a 90% accuracy whether relationships would last or not. Finally, his studies conclude that the magic of love requires calm and commitment, which in the end makes the magic of great love a bit less of a mystery.
John Gottman speaks about how his scientific research has now created a new understanding of all love relationships (heterosexual and same-sex), across the entire life span. He describes the new LOVE EQUATIONS, and the magic trio of calm, trust, and commitment. For more, visit The Gottman Institute at https://www.gottman.com/. World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Co-founder of The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John is a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington where he founded ”The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples interactions was conducted. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
Thank you Prof Gottman .
Oh the John Gottman 😍🥰❤
Brilliant, there should be a movie on this subject matter
The only thing he said that isn’t true is that he isn’t very intelligent. I call bs. This is AMAZING work! I have been steeped in this work for over a decade and I continue to learn more and more each time he or Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman speaks. What a gamechanger for the world!
I love that that love is mathematically specified!❤❤
MENTAL EMOTIONAL AND SELF CONTROL AND TACT AND DIPLOMACY AND CHOOSING YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY AND COMPATIONATELY FOR MEN WILL MAKE A GOOD MARRIAGE.
That INTRO is praise worthy, TEDx Talks
This scientific study is in fact about relationships, not about love. Love is an ingredient in relationships, but only if we actively bring it there. True love is the thoughts and deeds of benevolence, which understandably is good to have in relationships. Trust is born in an atmosphere of true love, and so is calm and commitment (the magic triangle). These all come to life surrounded by a feeling of security, which in turn is awakened by – you guessed it: true love. If the relation lacks a two-sided will to think and act benevolently, it will most probably fail.
So "the love equations" aren’t of love, either, but of relationships. Love doesn’t need any equations to be understood, it’s so simple. It’s all about attention, acceptance, care, nurturing, affection and healthy boundaries. It’s positive energy from a source to a target. You either express love or you don’t. Psychologically healthy individuals tend to express love, so if you don’t, then there probably is something in yourself you need to heal. But that’s another story.
We do counseling with a therapist who uses the Gottman "method". It’s been immensely helpful!
Not surprising that a person is having an affair because they feel lonely and lonely because they’re untrustworthy, that’s what narcissistic personality disorder will thrive off of, the next supplier and likely began as the narcs flying monkey .
Men, NEVER get married!!
Wish I had known that before. 🙁
John Gottman’s research is useful I’m sure, but for me it’s a little like the horse’s have already left the barn.
I am sure that some will accuse me of being Sexist – but truly I’m not. I totally believe in the equality of ALL souls – men woman and anything in between.
The breakup and divorce rates are heartbreaking. Before you get upset about what I’m about to say, please read my explanation IN FULL before passing judgement on me.
All the different animals (including us) have very obvious rituals when it comes to finding mates. In the case of humans, it is the female that is sought after by males. So we have a situation where ‘a’ female is surrounded by a bunch of males competing for her attention and all of them saying "Pick me, pick me". This is where you could accuse me of being Sexist (but not really – it just is what it is). It is the WOMAN who decides which of the men she wishes for a mate. A problem arises here because we are not taught what Real love is. Many confuse "excitement" with love. But excitement is excitement – NOT LOVE. Many a (good) guy has been frustrated and discouraged because the woman he desires has picked the exciting ‘bad boy’. Years later who do we blame when the bad boy becomes abusive, or a drunk, or unattentive, ect ect. It is the woman who picked the exciting A-hole to be her life partner and a lousy father to any possible children. To woman I say, learn what real responsible love is so that when you are deciding who can be your life partner and father to your children – you have a good shot at a fulfilling relationship AND the children do not grow up dysfunctional. Yes, I’m putting the lion’s share of broken 💔 relationships at the feet of women. But lets not be too hard on them. After all, NOBODY ever explained to them (or the men) the difference between excitement and love. If this was command knowledge, I am sure that the divorce rates would plummet AND we would be raising emotionally healthy children. Bless you ALL.
About understanding women sorry
I have just read
There is no science to Love. God is just that.
It’s amazing how a person can say so much and yet so little at the same time. Give this man a cookie, preferably diet.
Let’s spread this to engineers and data scientists 😉very interesting study!
I’m not an antisemite (well honestly just as much as I’m anti-religion in general) but why is heck is he wearing a yarmulke. It’s kind of inappropriate for a “scientist”.
My notes on the science of love:
3 factors of love:
Commitment – cherish partner, notice good things about them, excitement about future, double down on staying together, loyalty.
Trust – interest in each other, know how the other will feel, do nice things for each other.
Calm – Shared humor, understanding, gentle, reassuring, listening.
Avoid negative emotions – 5x more positivity to negativity. anger, sadness, fear, hostility, disappointment, making comparisons between partner and real or imagined alternatives, betrayal.
It’s so nice to put a face to his name! I’ve followed this man’s work for years. Brilliant, charming, poignant pedagogy for daily application.
Hi John just teaf ur book about understand women loved it
Now how about the techniques for picking up women
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So what are the attractors?
hey gottman, mann gottes, ‘ergo’ ?? you haven’t got it. you describe and touch the surroundings .. put even flowers all around .. but the is no communication on communication .. you are only the next "aboutist" .. you don’t have any concept for the/a pragmatic way of building trust, well .TOGETHER.
To much science..
I love this video
when BOTH parties are committed the "magic" is keeping your S/O committed and like magic its a trick the magician never tells😂
Wanting and trying to maintain relationships in perpetuity has to be the greatest source of self inflicted suffering a human being will ever endure in their lifetime.
"Love is the state in which man sees things most of all as they are ‘not’. The illusion-creating force is there at its height, likewise the sweetening and ‘transforming’ force. One endures more when in love than one otherwise would, one tolerates everything…" – FWN
How do we get tested?
My take from my recent relationship ending it that.. no matter how much you love someone, love on itself does not conquer all. And treating your partner how you’d like to be treated, and expecting them to see that and treat you the same.. is BS. They won’t notice and give you the same respect, so I left. It goes unnoticed and I believe that person was simply just going to act the way he did regardless of anything.
One of the most fascinating presentations I have seen on the topic of love
This is literally (love) life saving advice, thanks Mr Gottman!
Bunnies on the beach be like 😎🥳
This really solidified my decision to leave my boyfriend for good. ❤
The rough belief essentially enter because aftermath posteriorly plant next a abiding trowel. present, sincere defense
I would like to volunteer to translate this to Arabic please Ted team communicate with me
People I meet are forging relationships with he wrong person. You have to forgo the wrong ones and wait for the right one. This is just how you have to play it. It can take 10 months or 10 years, but if you hook up with the wrong person, you will fail. Gottman screened 60 women and waited for the sixtyoneth and she was the one, my advice is to wait for the sixtyoneth
Is there arabic translation
Love it! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge to us to improve our relationships with our couples, I needed it
Shared humor is powerful in reducing physiological arousal?did he say that right?I need to know if so because I think humor is something that is a must and my girlfriend agrees
It’s amazing that people spend 30+ yrs of their life researching something that the Bible told us how to fix already. If only we took that book seriously!
que aula incrível!!! sempre bom ouvi-lo!
To summarize it shortly:
Magic of love needs three things: Calm, Trust and Commitment.
Calm refers to physiological calm, being able to listen&empathize rather than become defensive&attacking.
Trust means both of you want to maximize benefits for both parties, rather than just yours, and this can be done by trying to see/understand in your partner’s perspective and catch their needs/wants
Commitment means you cherish your partner, being grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Mindset like this: “I’m lucky to have this person.”