Why I filed for DIVORCE

Why I filed for DIVORCE

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50 Comments

  1. Five years ago, I was option two. I had pushed myself down so much for a man that I wonder even loved me. Him leaving, turned out to be a blessing. I found me and I found happiness in my solitude. For right now, I don’t need him or anyone else to be happy. It does get better.

  2. After watching polygamy shows/ documentaries. That they say if I leave ur life will be horrible then u die. May have played a part?

  3. I think you are courageous and strong! With everything you’ve been through you’ve become wise. You have to love yourself first and foremost before you can share love and be successful at it. Keep on taking care of Amanda.

  4. Very well said ! I was divorced at 25 as well , similar rough upbringing and had been in a very toxic relationship/marriage for 7.5 years. I finally learned through my own experience what you said here and I’m truly happy.

    I wouldn’t change any of my life experiences that have led me to where I’m at currently , happily married to the most wonderful spouse for me with three kids.

    Whether that be my childhood in the cult, 4yrs active duty in the marine infantry with 2 combat deployments, my very interesting divorce, and the past 5 years in the army. Plus all the other challenges along the way.

    I wouldn’t be where I am , with a graduate degree ,dream job and house owner as well as countless other things life has brought me without also learning these hard lessons you have learned.

    So thank you for being brave enough to publicly speak on something people can relate to but not so easy to talk on ourself.

  5. God bless you and protect you for sharing so much. It’s absolutely beautiful to watch people (myself included) come through things that were meant to destroy them, and share their testimony of redemption and spread the hope that others can too.

  6. It’s interesting they push that heaven marriage when in the non-Mormon Bible, Jesus actually says there is no marriage when you go to heaven.

  7. His words towards you hurt you more, even if he didn’t curse. That is damaging. Saying a curse word on its own isn’t damaging. He hurt you more than the words you said. Period.

  8. I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of you!!! It took me waaayyy longer to figure those things out! You are amazing!

  9. You are still so young, beautiful, smart and fabulous! You have your whole life and a great future ahead of you!

  10. Hmm, maybe I’m posting this double but my comment disappeared. Just wanted to mention that you shouldnt be hard on your self to take 25 years to come to certain realization. The brain isn’t fully development until your 25 and the parts that are linked to rational and overlooking long term consequences are the last ones to develop. In the previous comment I added some links, but maybe these were not allowed by youtube? Nothing weird, just google on brain development and there enough scientific hits ;).

  11. 7:45 I think you should make it really clear for yourself which things are not negotiable. For example, if you feel that cheating cannot be forgiven, it’s better to say that right from the start. That way the other party has no say if they cheat you because they were totally aware about your limits.

    On the other hand, if you have things that you’d prefer but are negotiable, it’s better to just accept that you’re willing to compromise on those. Those things may be important for the other party and he/she will be much happier if those things can be arranged to his/her will. If you feel that some thing is negotiable but you’re not willing to go with his/her will on that, you’re just actually *hoping* it would be negotiable but it’s really off the limits. *It’s better to be truthful to yourself and really understand your limits.*

    Relationships that are not compatible (both have limits that cannot co-exist at the same time) cannot be fixed no matter how much either party tries to make it work. Even if both parties were great people, they are not compatible as a pair.

    15:30 It appears to me that you hadn’t decided your limits before this relationship. And you did great job filing for divorce if you couldn’t set the acceptable limits for him to honor.

  12. It seems that your religion has really messed your thinking even if you seem to be recovering already. I don’t know if you have something similar to "Support for Victims of Religions" (Registered association) here in Finland.

    Its short description is as follows: "Support for Victims of Religions (also known as UUT by its acronym in Finnish) is an organization which provides support for people who have faced various kinds of problems and abuses in religious groups. These groups are often called sects or cults, but similar problems may occur within mainstream religious groups too, especially when more strict or harsh versions of the religion exist within groups. The problems may include for example manipulation and indoctrination, various forms of exploitation or sexual, physical and mental violence (see more details below). We often refer to these problems collectively as religious abuse."

  13. i feel like if you’re an adult you should be able to swear. it’s not like a slur . it’s different. you can swear without being malicious. kids shouldn’t swear because they don’t understand the meaning or power behind the words, also they are in school so no swearing in school. but if it’s in your own home, or in public, and you’re an adult. who cares? like.. not everyone in the world believes in the bible so why should we all be held up to Christian standers? i know you prolly already know this but im just sayin. … also, if you’re not a mom currently, why care? like, it’s not like your future kids (if you have any) are going to magically know you swore that one time before they were born lmao.

  14. Some people never learn these lessons. You are a very wise young woman. What you said about asking someone to take you back who has already said they dont want to be with you… whew! Girl I’m 32 and that hit me hard lol. I 10000 percent didnt respect or love myself enough at those moments but I didnt see it that way. Thanks for all you do and keep on keeping on. 💜

  15. I am 51. Raised Mormon. I felt all these things throughout my marriage. When I finally left, the relief and burden were so great. Your sharing is truly helping me so much. Thank you.

  16. You’re very smart. We don’t know what we don’t know. And what we know is good, feels foreign bc it’s not the norms thrust upon us.
    Intellectually we understand at a certain point, and the guilt and shame is overwhelming. You feel so stupid. You hear their voice inside you, judging..raging..the cruelty… and you just try to get away, and you can’t. You’re a broken possession, never to be fixed.
    Vulnerability is blood to some, not saying this is re you, but some love to absorb and see you in pain. They must be on top, no matter what, you, anyone. No one really matters to them. They only care about selling the mask to the highest bidder. But, as we all grow, less and less will fall for it, and no one will be left to bid for their coveted abuse.
    Very proud of you and thank you for being so strong and sharing this. ❤️ you’re an amazing individual, talented and intelligent 👏 👏

  17. Wonderful video, opened my eyes on so many things. Among other things, I have realized i really don’t live myself, I don’t even know what that means. Can someone tell me how to love myself?

  18. I didn’t realize those things until later in life either even though I wasn’t in a cult and had unconditional love from my parents. Weirdly, I thought my mom’s love conditional even though she loved me unconditionally. She was proud of me but the way she praised me think that she wouldn’t love me if I didn’t accomplish as much as I did or be pretty in her eyes.

    I was with my ex for 7 years until I suffocated myself too. Ours also was like a dad-daughter relationship. I’ve been with my now husband for 7 years and I just realized last year that he loved me unconditionally. During the pandemic, Our marriage got so bad that I thought we were going to get divorced. But I was able to fix it by loving myself and acting like a equal partner and respecting him at the same time. It also really helped to stop expecting anything from me.

  19. If u hadn’t fought to leave the order u wouldn’t have the courage and strength to leave an unhappy marriage. U go girl

  20. You articulated your process in a way I needed to hear. Thank you. I was married 22 years and have been separated/divorced for 8. I’m happy at this point. Therapy is the bomb 😉 thank you again.

  21. I personally don’t believe in unconditional love for anyone besides your kids or pets. My love for my partner is conditional on us continuing to put in the work to grow personally and within the relationship and us treating each other with respect and kindness. My partner is the love of my life but these things would be deal breakers. I think there’s no issue with pointing out things that each other could do better, but it’s important to never expect your partner to compromise their values, morals, or change their personality.

  22. WOW Amanda you are extremely emotionally intelligent for someone only 26. I was NO WAY near this intelligent at your age, I am 36! Keep doing you girl, you will most definitely go far in Life <3 lots of Love from sunny England xoxo

  23. Remember that it’s never too late to work on yourself and learn about yourself. Therapy is a great tool, never think you’re crazy for going. Finding yourself is such a powerful and great full thing.

  24. Interesting video 🤔. Honestly, I’m having some mixed feelings about it. I think it’s because divorce is a sad thing. A part of me wishes you could have made it work. I also realize that life is full of ups & downs. I’ve actually been through 2 divorces myself, so I get it.
    …I’ll be watching this video again after I think about it for a while.
    You are a very beautiful person, so I’m sure you’ll have options in the future, but maybe you’ll be happier as a single person. 🤷‍♂️

  25. I have noticed watching your newer verses older videos, a difference in you. Your more sassy n out spoken? All good, no put down from me. I hope you and your ex can move on and have happy fulfilled life’s ♥️♥️♥️

  26. Wow. This video was amazing. I can tell you learned so much Rich information by going through marriage and experiencing it for what it is and learning first hand. Thank you so much for having the guts to get on here and tell your story even though it wasn’t a happy ending, it was so rich and valuable for our generation, you know? Don’t be embarrassed about being 26 and divorced, not all that uncommon these days. But yeah, thank you so much for being vulnerable, being truthful, and coming out here with some some serious knowledge and intelligence. Thank you!

  27. It’s interesting to note; that Christian marriages also put the husband as the head of the family, but for my husband and I at least, it’s being done in a healthy way. I defer to him when it’s needed but if I have strong convictions I am free to voice those and we discuss what to do in any given situation. I’m submissive in the sense that I yield to him when he has strong convictions but that I manage the family and the home, so I make the decisions often without him even being aware of what is going on. Just saying the man being the leader isn’t a bad thing if it’s a good man. But it’s honestly easy to see and terrifying that it can be abused and used against women all over the world.

  28. I hope that you go back to school for psychology or law or whatever you want snd then start a family. You are too smart not to get an education and a lot of people start families later, especially the educated. Your life will be much better.

  29. It was a sad but enlightening day when I realized how mistaken I was about what unconditional love meant. I was really never offered that growing up and had to learn how to give it from the kindness of the outside world. I probably missed opportunities and hurt others until I learned that. I have a lot of catching up to do but we have to start somewhere 🤍

  30. Amanda you are beautiful and smart .All of us had relationships in our early 20’s that were heart breaking but teaching .❤️

  31. I stumbled upon your video…… I wasn’t raised in a cult but hearing your story explains so much about how I feel about myself and how my upbringing and the relationship examples sculpted the way I am allowing myself to be treated and how I treat others…. Thank you so much for sharing your experience….. I will be seeking therapy to learn to love the woman in the mirror. You single handedly may have given me, myself! I wish you the best and Thank you again..

  32. Aweee, Darling, you’re not “crazy”. You’re normal. It’s NORMAL to have PTSD and other symptoms after what you’ve experienced. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. 🤗💗

    This happened to me twice as well. I am a lesbian who came out to my Mom at age 16, back in 1985 and let me tell you it was NOT cool to be gay back then. I was terrified but I knew she loved me and I knew she had a colleague (a doctor in a hospital) who she was friends with who was gay, but he was really the only gay person I knew. I am more feminine and I only saw butch lesbians so I felt like I did not fit in with them either. I felt like I had nowhere to belong. But Mom loved me anyway and supported me and eventually I started to feel less insecure. By my early twenties, I had come out to a few close friends and coworkers and was feeling more safe to be myself. I remember one point where I fully accepted and loved myself and stopped trying to gain the approval of others and it was crazy how the world seemed to literally change almost overnight to reflect my new inner reality. I felt more free and happy and I felt people started looking at me differently and respecting and loving me so much more and I knew it was because I had finally fully accepted myself and the world was reflecting that back to me. My Mom had helped me to get to this point because she had told me that I had been being insecure and defensive and I needed to be more confident. And finally I just was and she was right. It made a WORLD of difference. Frankly, it felt like magic, like liters the whole world had a spell out in them and now I was worthy of full acceptance. I knew that I’d always been worthy but I had extremely religious family (preachers in my family) who told me when I was a child that being gay was a sin and you would go to hell. I KNEW that was wrong even as a child because my parents raised me with love, but knowing that the rest of the world did not love me like my parents did made me feel emotionally unsafe around others. But anyway so that was playing a big role in why I felt so different after I accepted myself. It no longer seems that the world judged me. It was like a spell was put over the world overnight to suddenly love me or else like I had awoken from a nightmare. It was wonderful!

    The second time this happened was when I got a divorce. Like you, I married a good person but I did so for the wrong reasons. I was never in love with her and when the relationship started failing because I was so unhappy, I too started resenting her and felt horrible guilt about what I had done. I too took several years before I was able to realize that I was sacrificing my happiness to stick it out. I kept thinking maybe I can just suffer through this so I don’t hurt her. But then I started realizing that she was not happy being with someone who did not want to be with her. And we had been in the process of becoming adoptive parents and I thought, I can’t do this. This is not right. I cannot continue creating a life and bringing children into it knowing I deep down want to leave. So it kinda forced things to come to a head between us and we started talking more. Finally I started being more him feel t It was very difficult to realize that my happiness mattered too. It felt guilty, like I was being so selfish. But i don’t know if it was from all the self-help books I was reading or what but it clicked that my happiness matters too. I have a right to be happy. Up to that point, I actually felt pressure too to stay in our same-sex marriage because we were kind of a role model couple. Things were going really good for us from looking from the outside and I didn’t want to disappoint all the people who had supported us. It felt like I was betraying the LGB community (back then it was just LGB). Anyway once I finally started being honest with my partner and we talked, we realized we needed to get a dissolution (we were in a domestic partnership, marriage was not legal then). We actually had a very amicable, loving dissolution. It was really one of the most painful but most living experiences I’ve ever had. We both were hurting and scared but we loved each other and wanted each other to be happy. I was shocked at how ecstatic I get after I was free! I felt guilt for hurting her but I felt so free and happy. Again, it was similar to what had happened after I accepted myself after coming out. It felt so good, almost unreal! So anyway but after that, I still too was afraid to tell people about our “divorce”. We didn’t tell some of our friends for a long time, months. It was embarrassing, like we failed. But we didn’t fail. We grew. And we did it with love. Looking back I’m proud of us and we are still on good terms today. She’s been happily married to someone else now for like 12 years and I’ve with someone and am happy too. So yes, I know what you mean about learning that it’s healthy to expect happiness for yourself but to have to overcome that confusion and guilt for it. You are not alone or weird or crazy. It’s just a part of maturing. You’re doing great! Hugs!

  33. There’s no shame in divorce. I think as a wider society we need to get better at celebrating when people make choices for their own happiness. Obviously if one of you had been cheating or something that would be a different dynamic. But divorce because you grew into different people and recognise that ultimately neither of you will be happy if you stay? That’s a great thing. It’s a loving thing.

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